Things doesn't always go as planned

The doubt had been there since she started. That little voice had asked her so many times "is this really what you want to do?" She had said yes, because at the time, she thought it was. That nagging feeling she had, had started as this question. As the days went on, and she got to know the new people around her, it disappeared for a while. The lessons were hard, and she had to study a lot, but she did it, because she wanted to do this. She had a lot of fun with the new people she met. Her group, group number 5, just had to be the best group. They had so much fun together, but when they had to, they were also very good at working on assignments together. It was great. That is one of the reason she stayed.

After a while though, that nagging feeling came back. She became unsure, very unsure. But she stayed. She enjoyed her time with her group. But she couldn't stop thinking that this was wrong.

One day, it became enough. She decided that this wasn't for her. She was done. And so she quit. The very next day, she had told the people she needed to, and she was done. Her feelings were mixed. Now she had to tell her group. She did after a couple days, and they took it well, and wished her good luck with what she chose. It was a big relief to finally have told them. 

The very next day, she woke up with a smile on her face, and she felt amazing. She knew what she wanted to now, what she wanted to do with her life. And it was a great feeling. 

All she had to do now was wait. Wait until she could start over with what she really wanted. And while she was waiting, she was gonna work. Hopefully at the school right next to her, as a substitute, just to get a feeling of what it was like. But she knew. She finally knew, and she did not feel unsure about this. She knew what to do, she just didn't know where to go to school. But she didn't worry too much about that, she had time to figure it out. 

She was finally happy. Her days were good, no matter what happened. She was happy with herself and what she choose to do. She finally felt as her life was gonna be great. 

 

Oh happy days

She made it just in time, the train got to the platform just as she took her last step up the stairs. She was exhausted, and so ready to sit down on the train. Her disappointment was big when she found out the trains was full and had no available seats, so she had to stand the short trip. Oh well she thought, it was only 12 minutes. She turned her iPod on and just waited.

When she arrived at Oslo, she was one of the first persons off. She hated being stuck behind people, so she always made sure to be at the front of the train. As she walked through the train station to get outside to where her bus stop was, she looked around and started thinking about what a great week it had been. She had so much to think about these days, but she was happy. She enjoyed going to school, she knew for sure that nursing was something she really wanted to do.

She was happy. For once, she was really happy. She wasn’t thinking about those friends that had just left her, and she wasn't worrying too much about the future. The worst was over; she had told her parents that she wanted transfer to another college. A college located across the ocean.

 

There was this guy she had seen, he was also studying nursing. There was something about him, but she couldn’t really say what it was. She was always looking for him, and she felt something inside her when she saw him. She had absolutely never talked to him, the closest she had been was when he was sitting next to her in class, and they were walking out. He apologized because the person beside him had some troubles. That was it. But still, there was something about him. She just didn’t know what. It made her confused, because she was in love with someone else. At least that’s what she thought. Or was she just in love with the thought of being in love?e apolohe

I think I love college a little

For once, I am actually looking forward to school. And that's not because I get to see all my friends there. I really enjoy this now. College has a totally different environment than high school. At least in Norway it does. I'm majoring in nursing, pediatric nursing to be exact, but I gotta get a degree in nursing before I can move on to pediatric. But back to my point. First of all, I only have classes that have something to do with nursing, no history, politics, Norwegian or English, just anatomy, communication and so on. It is certainly more than enough though, that's for sure, but it is nothing more than what I really need for my future as a nurse.

And the people have a lot to say as well. No one is complaining anymore about how there is no point in learning this because we will never use it later on in life anyway. People are interested in what we are learning, people want to learn as much as possible about this, everyone has a different attitude than in high school. And you have people of all ages. The oldest one in my group is 50 years old, which mean we get a very different point of view when it comes to stuff, because this lady has a lot more experience than us students coming straight from high school. I like working with older people as well. And people are more grown up, they don't make trouble out of small things, and I don't think I will have to deal with loosing a friend again like I did last year, because people here are simply not that childish.

And we have practice. In the school there is built a hospital hall with four rooms, each room having four beds. We go around and pretend to be in a hospital, which I found really exciting. It makes me know for sure that I have chosen the right thing. And that is really good to know, since I was so unsure of what to do with my life. I know what I have chosen is right, I just don't know if I have chosen the right place to do it, although my college is great.

How can I make this decision?

The girl I am now is so very different than the girl I was only two years ago. That's no surprise, considering everything I've been through. And it's good, of course, but sometimes, I kinda wish I could be the girl I was before all of this. Just so that I wouldn't think this much. Yeah, thinking is good, but sometimes, if you think too much about stuff, it's not so good.

Two years ago, I would make a desicion and only think about the nearest future and what it would bring. Take for example my exchange year. When I made the desicion that I wanted to do that, all I thought about was how it would be that one year, I did not once think about what other consequenses it would have. I never thought about how it would be to come back  after that year.

The summer before I left Norway, I told myself that I would not get involved in a boy there, at all. But when I transferred schools, I met a boy, and I quickly knew there was something about him. And I quickly told myself that if we started dating, then that's what would happen. In the back of my mind I was thinking about how it would be to leave him, but my desicion was only based on how it would be while I was there. I never thought about how much it would hurt to leave him, or how hard it would be to be in love with someone who lived across the sea.

Would I have changed it if I could, and not get involved with him? Never. My first boyfriend was american, but it was a relationship I wouldn't be without. I learned stuff about myself, and my wants and needs. But that's not my point.

My point is that now, when I have a desicion to make, I look forward in time. And I'm not talking about a couple months, I'm talking about several years. I try to imagine what my life will be like if I choose one thing, and what it will be like if I choose the other.  But it's an extremely hard desicion to make when there will be one important thing missing in both of those futures. And no matter what I choose to do, someone will get hurt, and no matter what I choose it will be hard on me.
My desicions now makes me think so much that I'm about to go crazy, and it just ends up with the desicion not being made. So what do I do, how do I make this desicion?

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Late summer night walks

After three years of high school, one of them spent as an exchange student in the States, I can for sure say I have found out who my true friends are. And I have to say I have gotten a few surprises. Friends I thought I would never lose is no longer talking to me, and some of the friends I thought I was losing has only become better friends.

It's nice when I get to talk to friends I haven't talked much to lately, and realize that we can still talk about everything. It's nice that I can take my dog out for a walk, go over to my friends house, and together we take a long walk in the evening, and just talk. Talk about our past, our future, old friends, new friends, ex boyfriends. Basically just everything

It feels good to go out in the warm summer night and know that that friend wants to be with you, wants to share her thoughts and feelings, and wants to listen to yours. It's nice to feel appreciated and loved.

The story of a lifetime

A chapter in life is over, and it's time to continue the story. It's time to stop worrying about the people that has left the story. Some of them just leave, without a single goodbye. Some of them you lose simply because you have no more to talk about anymore. Others you lose after a fight, and realizing that things will never get better, so it's better to just leave them alone. And it hurts to lose people like that, it hurts to know that people you once were so close to, won't be there in the next chapters. Some might be back in later chapters, but most of them will never show up again, ever.

The ones that will actually stay in the story are the ones you need to focus on. Forget about the old chapters and the people in them. It's the new chapters that counts, it's the people that are going to stay in the chapters you need to think about. You might have to put up a little fight to make some of them stay, but in the end, it will be worth it.

And remember, you are making your own story. You decide when a chapter ends and when it's time to start a new one. You decide how the story is going to end.

I will always remember

My second home

I've been officially done with High school for 9 days. It feels so much longer. While I was sitting there in the cafeteria at school during our graduation ceremony, listening to all the speeches and songs and so on that was being said, I looked around. I looked at the teacher. I looked at my fellow classmates. I looked at the people that I used to call my best friends. I looked at the building. It was weird, sitting there and knowing I would never be back. At least not for the same reasons. It felt weird knowing that some of these people that I have talked to everyday, I might never see again.

And you know what the weirdest thing was? I wasn't sad. Maybe a little bit, but really sad, as in crying? No, no way.

I have met so many great people at that school. I've had times I will never forget with those people and at that school. The school is filled with great memories. But it is also filled with bad memories. Memories of the people that forgot me as soon as I was out of sight. One year away from it really makes you find out who your true friends are. It's a place where I could be surrounded by people, but still feel completely alone. I could sit and talk with what I thought was my friends, but before I was even halfway through what I was saying, everyone was listening to someone else. Can you blame me for feeling lonely?

But I will focus on the good memories. The time were Silje and I was supposed to be studying for our final oral exam, when we started to try to kick things into the trash can instead. The first day I was back again after my exchange year, something was said in class and I look over at Thorbjørn. No words are needed the looks said it all, and we started laughing. The countless times I've been sitting in the cafeteria with Caline and just talked.

Because the two years that I've spent there, has taught me a lot, and they have also given me a lot of things I will remember for the rest of my life. It has made me who I am today, and I really do like this school. I will miss it, and all the people in it.

Your first love, always and forever.

"You will never forget your first love" She was tired of hearing that sentence. If she wouldn't forget her first love, if she always would love the first person she ever loved, how was she gonna get a husband? Especially when she was left with this feeling, the feeling that the reason things had turned out bad, wasn't because of him not loving her anymore, but something that pulled them apart; distance.

Everything was suppose to be so perfect when she came back. He had written it to her so many times how it was gonna be the best time for him, and she would agree. All those "I love you" she had read, was finally going to be heard. All those nights spent missing him would be so worth it.

But it wasn't. Something was wrong, something wasn't right. He was distant, he was acting different than last time they had seen each other. Different than what he had said he would. This wasn't how she had imagined it.

All those times he had told her he loved her, had it just been a lie? -No, she told herself. It couldn't be. The feelings had been there, the love between them so strong. Maybe that was it, the love was too strong for both of them to handle. Yeah, that's what she told herself, that's the reason things were as they were.

Before she came back, he had told her how he was scared. Excited to see her again, but scared. Scared that her feelings for him had changed, scared that he would loose her. - How ironic, she thought to herself. She was the one who had lost him, not the other way around. She was the one left alone now, she was the one who cried herself to sleep all those nights. He had moved on.

She didn't give her heart out to just anybody, she was picky. She barely opened up to people, but it had been something about him. For the first time, she let someone in. For the first time, she let a person know absolutely everything about her. For the first time, she fell in love. Oh, if she had only known from the beginning how it would end. From now on she would definitely be careful about opening her heart for guys. Her heart had been broken so bad, and she thought it would never heal.

So maybe they were right after all, those people that told her she would never forget her first love. Maybe she didn't want to forget him. Her first boyfriend. Her first kiss. And her first love. But what got her through those rough days? It was the image from her future, the image where she was holding a baby boy. Her very own baby boy. Who was the father? She had no idea, and she didn't care at the time. It showed her that she would find someone. It could be her first love, or the rich husband she had dreamed about. She didn't care. Her happy ending would come, some day.

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Do you know...

- The feeling when you can finally sit down with a book outside in the sun without any worries?
- The feeling when you can play around in your backyard with your dog and just smile?
- The feeling you get when you see your final grades, and you accomplished you goal?
- The feeling after you last written exam, and you think you did good on it?

Yeah, that's a great feeling, you feel free, careless and happy. A feeling that hasn't been felt for while. Under all the studying and worrying about you future, you are finally able to relax and enjoy the good weather. that feeling doesn't come too often, so you have no choice but let the world spin around while you are just enjoying the feeling of being free from worries for a little while

The American and the Norwegian version - which is better?

Graduation. I think that is something everyone is looking forward to, no matter where in the world you are. Graduation ends your childhood. Graduation shows that you are done with school. After graduation, you start your way towards a carrier. After graduation, you have to start choosing what you want with your life and where you want to end up.

Graduation is celebrated in different ways, and there is not a lot of people who gets to experience two of them. I am one of the lucky ones. Last year I had a graduation. Right now I am kind of in the middle of one. Two graduations. Two very different graduations. Part of the reason is because they mean two completely different things for me though.

Graduation in the US was not my graduation. To me, graduation in the States was more of an ending to my exchange year. An ending to a year with so many ups and downs. I wasn't done with school, I still had one year left. And now, that year has gone by. Now I'm sitting here almost ready to really graduate. But what is the difference?

In the States, the main focus is on the ceremony. Being a senior in high school sure is a good thing. Senior this, senior that. But when it all comes down to it, it's the ceremony that is the big thing. You march in to the stadium, or the gym, or wherever the ceremony is held. You sit there, with your square cap and long gown, knowing that your parents are right there, watching it all. You listen to the different speeches. Finally you walk over that stage to receive your diploma from the smiling principal. You move the tassel from one side to the  other. And finally it's your turn to throw your cap in the air, like you've seen happen so many times before, finally it was your turn. And then it's over. No more high school. Ever. Of course you can't forget the graduation parties though. And some people go on senior trips as well.  But I got the feeling that the graduation ceremony is what is the big thing, that's what everyone looks forward to.

 When the Russ-time finally starts, it starts off with a big party, a kick-off. And for some people, that is how the whole Russ-time is. Party every night. But there is a lot of other things to do. A list of stupid things that will give us weird things in our long tassel. Some of them are harmless. Like sitting under our desk for 45 minutes, one class. Taking the piano in the cafeteria and sing for everyone during lunch. Or using bread as shoes for a whole day. Go to an 11th grader, give him/her a boxer/bra and tell them that last night was the best. Having a smart conversation with a lamp post for 15 minutes. Harmless, fun and embarrassing. But you also have those that can be dangerous. Like drinking a bottle of wine in less than 40 minutes. Go three days without sleeping.

All this, the partying and doing those stupid stuff, all happens in three weeks. Some places more, some places less. At the weekends, there big arrangements for all of the Russ's (Seniors) Parties, concerts, everything at one place.  People getting wasted and drunk and everyone just having the time of their lives. And this all happens before we have our final exams. After the exams, we have our ceremony. A small thing at school with speech from the principal, someone might sing a song, and then we receive a copy of our grades. That is our diploma. And we get it all online, so the grades we receive at the ceremony, is not the finished one, it lacks the grades of our final exams, which won't come until the end of July.

Which one do I like the best? The Norwegian one, of course. It might be because that's the graduation I've heard about my whole life, it's what I've grown up with. But also because of everything that goes on in those three weeks. It was by far, much better than the graduation I had in the States. Although, I had a great time being a senior there as well, and getting to experience that. The Norwegian one is the best.

The American version and the Norwegian version

I don't wanna hold my pillow. I wanna hold you

And once again, it was Friday night. It had been a long but great week. She hadn't been sitting at home like this for a long time. Finally she understood how much it meant to her to actually get out and do something. The last three weekends had been nothing but party, both Fridays and Saturdays, and she figured out now, that that is what she should be doing every weekend. Just so that she didn't have to feel this way.

She was upset, maybe even a little hurt. She was confused. She didn't know what to do. She could be out with her friends all day, and have the time of her life, but when she got home and back to her room, the feelings sure came back. The feelings that told her she had messed up, that she had done something wrong. That it was all her fault. Although she knew deep inside that it wasn't true, that was how she felt. And she couldn't help it. The feelings only came during the weekends, because that was the only time she actually thought about it. It was always on her mind, he was always on her mind. Of course it was because of a he. What else would it be?

Now that she wasn't out on a party, the feelings and thoughts came back. The thoughts that told her it was only because of the distance. The thoughts that told her she shouldn't let go just yet, even if that was what he had done. She didn't know it yet, but she would never be able to completely let go. No matter what happened, she wouldn't do it. She couldn't do it. But that was something she didn't know right now. Right now she only blamed the distance for ruining it all, destroying something that once had made her so completely happy. It was gone, and she had to just live with it. But it was hard

Because love is a really strong feeling.

The missing piece

You finally see the ending coming. You've put so much work into it lately, and you just can't wait to be done, and feel happy about what you accomplished. It's finally complete. Or so you think. Only four more to go now. But wait, what was that?

Crap

Only three pieces are left. You put them on, but it's not right. The last one isn't there anymore, and it's never gonna be complete. You can make your own pieces that will fit, but they will never fit perfectly. Simply because it's not the missing piece.

All the pieces were there from the beginning. At the time it was all messed up, and when you've finally got it all in order, one important piece is missin.

The puzzle will never be done. There will always be this nagging feeling inside you. Telling you over and over that the puzzle isn't complete. Unless you find the right piece.

But it's too late, it's lost. Gone forever. The puzzle will never be finished the way it's supposed to be.

Imaginary friends are forever

She had always had a lot of friends, ever since she was a little baby. Playing in the sandbox, on the swing, on a slide, in the snow, in the rain, with their dolls and all the Lego they had. They were a big group of kids that played together everyday. She would be out for as long as she could. But she always needed a little time for herself, a time where she could play with a friend that no one else knew about. A friend that didn't have a real face. All she knew about that friend, was that he was a boy. A boy that would always be there for her, be there to listen to her complain, listen to the happy things she had done with her other friends.

As she grew older, she lost her old friends, they simply grew apart from each other. One after the other, they were gone, and she had replaced them with new friends. Except for one. That boy. Now she only talked to him after she had gone to bed. She didn't want anyone to know about him. He was the one that knew when she was upset over something. She had never been good at telling people that. She used to keep it inside until it all just blew up and she exploded. That's what she thought was right. No one was suppose to see her faults, she was supposed to be a perfect little girl. But she wasn't, so she hid all the bad things, all the complaining, everything she thought was wrong, inside of her and shared it only with this boy.

He was a perfect boy. Perfect body, perfect things to say, perfect everything. But the weird thing about this boy, was that he didn't have a face. Where his face was supposed to be, there was nothing but a blurry color. She didn't think much of it, that was how it had always been. Until one day when she was a young woman. The face that the boy got, belonged to one of her friends. A friend she hadn't known for very long, but she knew what it meant. The boy with no face, would always be there for her, so when he got a face, she knew that the face belonged to a guy that would also be there for her.

When that guy is too far away to be helping her with what she needs help to, her boy comes out again. The boy that didn't have a face, but now does. The boy that will always be there, even if no one else will.

Call her crazy, maybe she is. But that boy was what got her through the days. The long and endless days when everything seemed to be going wrong. That boy was what made her countdown until the next time she would get to see the real owner of the face again, the real guy that would always be there. The other boy was just there when the real one couldn't be.