The girl I am now is so very different than the girl I was only two years ago. That's no surprise, considering everything I've been through. And it's good, of course, but sometimes, I kinda wish I could be the girl I was before all of this. Just so that I wouldn't think this much. Yeah, thinking is good, but sometimes, if you think too much about stuff, it's not so good.
Two years ago, I would make a desicion and only think about the nearest future and what it would bring. Take for example my exchange year. When I made the desicion that I wanted to do that, all I thought about was how it would be that one year, I did not once think about what other consequenses it would have. I never thought about how it would be to come back after that year.
The summer before I left Norway, I told myself that I would not get involved in a boy there, at all. But when I transferred schools, I met a boy, and I quickly knew there was something about him. And I quickly told myself that if we started dating, then that's what would happen. In the back of my mind I was thinking about how it would be to leave him, but my desicion was only based on how it would be while I was there. I never thought about how much it would hurt to leave him, or how hard it would be to be in love with someone who lived across the sea.
Would I have changed it if I could, and not get involved with him? Never. My first boyfriend was american, but it was a relationship I wouldn't be without. I learned stuff about myself, and my wants and needs. But that's not my point.
My point is that now, when I have a desicion to make, I look forward in time. And I'm not talking about a couple months, I'm talking about several years. I try to imagine what my life will be like if I choose one thing, and what it will be like if I choose the other. But it's an extremely hard desicion to make when there will be one important thing missing in both of those futures. And no matter what I choose to do, someone will get hurt, and no matter what I choose it will be hard on me.
My desicions now makes me think so much that I'm about to go crazy, and it just ends up with the desicion not being made. So what do I do, how do I make this desicion?
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