How can I make this decision?

The girl I am now is so very different than the girl I was only two years ago. That's no surprise, considering everything I've been through. And it's good, of course, but sometimes, I kinda wish I could be the girl I was before all of this. Just so that I wouldn't think this much. Yeah, thinking is good, but sometimes, if you think too much about stuff, it's not so good.

Two years ago, I would make a desicion and only think about the nearest future and what it would bring. Take for example my exchange year. When I made the desicion that I wanted to do that, all I thought about was how it would be that one year, I did not once think about what other consequenses it would have. I never thought about how it would be to come back  after that year.

The summer before I left Norway, I told myself that I would not get involved in a boy there, at all. But when I transferred schools, I met a boy, and I quickly knew there was something about him. And I quickly told myself that if we started dating, then that's what would happen. In the back of my mind I was thinking about how it would be to leave him, but my desicion was only based on how it would be while I was there. I never thought about how much it would hurt to leave him, or how hard it would be to be in love with someone who lived across the sea.

Would I have changed it if I could, and not get involved with him? Never. My first boyfriend was american, but it was a relationship I wouldn't be without. I learned stuff about myself, and my wants and needs. But that's not my point.

My point is that now, when I have a desicion to make, I look forward in time. And I'm not talking about a couple months, I'm talking about several years. I try to imagine what my life will be like if I choose one thing, and what it will be like if I choose the other.  But it's an extremely hard desicion to make when there will be one important thing missing in both of those futures. And no matter what I choose to do, someone will get hurt, and no matter what I choose it will be hard on me.
My desicions now makes me think so much that I'm about to go crazy, and it just ends up with the desicion not being made. So what do I do, how do I make this desicion?

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Late summer night walks

After three years of high school, one of them spent as an exchange student in the States, I can for sure say I have found out who my true friends are. And I have to say I have gotten a few surprises. Friends I thought I would never lose is no longer talking to me, and some of the friends I thought I was losing has only become better friends.

It's nice when I get to talk to friends I haven't talked much to lately, and realize that we can still talk about everything. It's nice that I can take my dog out for a walk, go over to my friends house, and together we take a long walk in the evening, and just talk. Talk about our past, our future, old friends, new friends, ex boyfriends. Basically just everything

It feels good to go out in the warm summer night and know that that friend wants to be with you, wants to share her thoughts and feelings, and wants to listen to yours. It's nice to feel appreciated and loved.

The story of a lifetime

A chapter in life is over, and it's time to continue the story. It's time to stop worrying about the people that has left the story. Some of them just leave, without a single goodbye. Some of them you lose simply because you have no more to talk about anymore. Others you lose after a fight, and realizing that things will never get better, so it's better to just leave them alone. And it hurts to lose people like that, it hurts to know that people you once were so close to, won't be there in the next chapters. Some might be back in later chapters, but most of them will never show up again, ever.

The ones that will actually stay in the story are the ones you need to focus on. Forget about the old chapters and the people in them. It's the new chapters that counts, it's the people that are going to stay in the chapters you need to think about. You might have to put up a little fight to make some of them stay, but in the end, it will be worth it.

And remember, you are making your own story. You decide when a chapter ends and when it's time to start a new one. You decide how the story is going to end.

I will always remember

My second home

I've been officially done with High school for 9 days. It feels so much longer. While I was sitting there in the cafeteria at school during our graduation ceremony, listening to all the speeches and songs and so on that was being said, I looked around. I looked at the teacher. I looked at my fellow classmates. I looked at the people that I used to call my best friends. I looked at the building. It was weird, sitting there and knowing I would never be back. At least not for the same reasons. It felt weird knowing that some of these people that I have talked to everyday, I might never see again.

And you know what the weirdest thing was? I wasn't sad. Maybe a little bit, but really sad, as in crying? No, no way.

I have met so many great people at that school. I've had times I will never forget with those people and at that school. The school is filled with great memories. But it is also filled with bad memories. Memories of the people that forgot me as soon as I was out of sight. One year away from it really makes you find out who your true friends are. It's a place where I could be surrounded by people, but still feel completely alone. I could sit and talk with what I thought was my friends, but before I was even halfway through what I was saying, everyone was listening to someone else. Can you blame me for feeling lonely?

But I will focus on the good memories. The time were Silje and I was supposed to be studying for our final oral exam, when we started to try to kick things into the trash can instead. The first day I was back again after my exchange year, something was said in class and I look over at Thorbjørn. No words are needed the looks said it all, and we started laughing. The countless times I've been sitting in the cafeteria with Caline and just talked.

Because the two years that I've spent there, has taught me a lot, and they have also given me a lot of things I will remember for the rest of my life. It has made me who I am today, and I really do like this school. I will miss it, and all the people in it.

Your first love, always and forever.

"You will never forget your first love" She was tired of hearing that sentence. If she wouldn't forget her first love, if she always would love the first person she ever loved, how was she gonna get a husband? Especially when she was left with this feeling, the feeling that the reason things had turned out bad, wasn't because of him not loving her anymore, but something that pulled them apart; distance.

Everything was suppose to be so perfect when she came back. He had written it to her so many times how it was gonna be the best time for him, and she would agree. All those "I love you" she had read, was finally going to be heard. All those nights spent missing him would be so worth it.

But it wasn't. Something was wrong, something wasn't right. He was distant, he was acting different than last time they had seen each other. Different than what he had said he would. This wasn't how she had imagined it.

All those times he had told her he loved her, had it just been a lie? -No, she told herself. It couldn't be. The feelings had been there, the love between them so strong. Maybe that was it, the love was too strong for both of them to handle. Yeah, that's what she told herself, that's the reason things were as they were.

Before she came back, he had told her how he was scared. Excited to see her again, but scared. Scared that her feelings for him had changed, scared that he would loose her. - How ironic, she thought to herself. She was the one who had lost him, not the other way around. She was the one left alone now, she was the one who cried herself to sleep all those nights. He had moved on.

She didn't give her heart out to just anybody, she was picky. She barely opened up to people, but it had been something about him. For the first time, she let someone in. For the first time, she let a person know absolutely everything about her. For the first time, she fell in love. Oh, if she had only known from the beginning how it would end. From now on she would definitely be careful about opening her heart for guys. Her heart had been broken so bad, and she thought it would never heal.

So maybe they were right after all, those people that told her she would never forget her first love. Maybe she didn't want to forget him. Her first boyfriend. Her first kiss. And her first love. But what got her through those rough days? It was the image from her future, the image where she was holding a baby boy. Her very own baby boy. Who was the father? She had no idea, and she didn't care at the time. It showed her that she would find someone. It could be her first love, or the rich husband she had dreamed about. She didn't care. Her happy ending would come, some day.

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Do you know...

- The feeling when you can finally sit down with a book outside in the sun without any worries?
- The feeling when you can play around in your backyard with your dog and just smile?
- The feeling you get when you see your final grades, and you accomplished you goal?
- The feeling after you last written exam, and you think you did good on it?

Yeah, that's a great feeling, you feel free, careless and happy. A feeling that hasn't been felt for while. Under all the studying and worrying about you future, you are finally able to relax and enjoy the good weather. that feeling doesn't come too often, so you have no choice but let the world spin around while you are just enjoying the feeling of being free from worries for a little while